Unfortunately, I am not one of those super healthy chicks who prefers kale and quinoa to fettuccine Alfredo and ice cream. In an effort to get back on track this year and kick start some sort of “health” routine, I opted to try a 3 day juice cleanse from Pressed Juicery (mostly because they were having a New Year promotion of $50 off). Here’s what a 3 day juice cleanse looks like for a self-proclaimed fat kid…
- I’m feeling motivated to get going – 3 days is nothing. I can totally do it. Oh- the blizzard has delayed delivery of my cleanse a day? Okay, I’ll get Choza for lunch instead. But, I am going to email Pressed and let them know this delay is horseshit. (Note- they did credit another cleanse for a later date…terrific)
[Real] Day 1
- Still feeling motivated today, though Mexican food and a little too much cheese from the night before are sitting kind of heavy. I’ll feel better once I have a chance to “cleanse” and “get clean.” Where the hell is my delivery? Oh, delayed until after lunch again because of snow? Cool. I’ll have oatmeal for breakfast and skip 1 juice to make up for it. That should be fine.
- (12:50PM) VICTORY! Juices finally arrived, and despite the longer than expected transit, they all look fine. I’ll drink the full cleanse. I know they’re only guaranteed fresh for 3 days, but really what difference does a day make? Whatever, I’m hungry and need to drink. Greens 2 isn’t so bad, I can do this, and I’m not even that hungry anymore.
- (5:00PM): Why can’t all my juices be Citrus 2? That shit is delicious, but I bet a little bit of coconut rum would make it better. I am really not into this ginger crap in Greens 3, and I am 100% going to avoid Roots 3 (since I ate the oatmeal and all…) because I can already predict it takes like dirt.
- (8:00PM): I can handle Citrus 4, though if they could omit “aloe vera” from the recipe I’d be okay with that. Time for my last juice today – Vanilla Almond, I have high hopes for you. Ugh, why are there chunks in this? #NotIntoIt – I’m going to bed (at 10:00) so I forget how hungry I am.
- (7:40AM): Good thing I set my alarm 15 minutes later today – I have less time to think about how much I want to eat breakfast before I leave for work. I guess a juice for breakfast isn’t that bad…I’ll save half for when I get to work to prolong the process.
- (10:45AM): I need juice 2 now. What a bummer the best juice is second in the day…should I save it for later? No, just follow the plan, Victoria. And don’t drink it too fast, it’s the only goodness you get all day.
- (1:00PM): Oh, cool Kelly, you want nachos for lunch? No, the smell doesn’t bother me at all, and I am not considering chewing my arm off right now so I can remember what it’s like to eat. Cool, enjoy those.
- (3:00PM): There’s pizza in the kitchen again? Jesus, we have pizza like every day in this office, which usually is not a problem, except that I am delirious and pizza happens to be one of my top 5 favorite foods. Today, it just so happens to be my favorite food, and if you were to tell me I had to eat only pizza for the rest of my life, that would be okay with me. Oh, do I want some? No, I am full from this delightful Roots 2 juice, thanks.
- (7:00PM): I want this to be over. Should I just eat? No, you paid for this shit, Victoria, and you need to stay strong. Hey, Adam – can you hand me my juice while you make a vat of pasta with ketchup? Are you sure you really need pasta? It has a lot of carbs, you know, and we are on a wedding diet. I happen to have an extra juice if you want it…
- (9:00PM): Why does this Vanilla Almond juice have chunks again?! Gross, I am just going to chug it. I can’t finish this…no really, I’m full.
- (9:00AM): One more work day and I am home free. Be strategic with your juices today, Victoria…
- (12:30PM): I am pretty sure I am supposed to be feeling good by now…great even. Guess what? I feel hangry, not wonderful. And, I haven’t noticed a change in my energy level and my skin is certainly not glowing.
- (4:00PM): I wonder if they would let me leave work now on account of being hungry? I could go to bed, then wake up tomorrow and eat…
- (6:00PM): Seamless sent me a discount coupon. Maybe Adam and I could order Thai tonight, share a bottle of wine…relax. Fuck. I forgot I am on a stupid juice cleanse. Fuck this shit.
- (7:45PM): Should I just end it now? What difference does 12 hours make, anyway? Hey, want to go get a drink across the street, Adam? Yeah, I know I paid for this cleanse, and don’t you lecture me about money wasted. Oh, you think you can kiss me with food on your breath? You must be kidding me. And while we’re on this topic, eat your dinner in the kitchen so I don’t have to smell it. No, I’m not kidding…
- (10:00PM): I’m going to bed. Yeah, I know it’s a Friday night and we’re young and in The City, but I am hungry. I want to wake up and have it be Saturday already.
- (7:00AM): Down 4 pounds of water weight. I feel like it should be at least 20. Was this shit worth it?